To quote Whoopi Goldberg: “… okay.”
I guess I don’t know what I expected when RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars 9 announced the final two episodes of the season would be a two-part finale. The only other proper two-part episode we’ve gotten in American series herstory was the two-part premiere of Season 15, in which the first episode just featured entrances and mini-challenges, while the second part featured a super-sized variety show. (Yes, the Season 6 premiere was billed as a two-parter, but it was really just two regular episodes of the show—and split premieres would go on to be a popular trope in regular seasons.)
A key difference between that premiere and this finale, however, is that the Season 15 two-parter aired in one night. The first episode may have been mostly filler, but because it was immediately followed by the challenge, it felt, in essence, like a supersized single episode of the show. All Stars 9 is airing its finale over two weeks, which means that this week we get 63 minutes of filler with no actual movement toward the endgame of this season.
I think I’ve been a bigger fan of this season than most, but I nonetheless question this decision. Why not release both episodes in one week? With most eager to move on—and with new seasons like Canada vs. The World and Global All Stars on the way—it feels like a mistake to drag things out. But they don’t call it Drag Race for nothing, I guess.
The most interesting part of the episode, which mostly made me question why this wasn’t a proper challenge, is a mini-challenge version of “Makeovers: Crew Better Work!” from Season 9. Each queen is assigned a member of the Drag Race crew (where’s Sarge?), and are tasked with getting into “quick drag”—though they’re seemingly given more time than usual—for a werk room presentation.
Like with the Season 9 episode—an all-time favourite of mine—it’s very fun to hear the crew members’ behind-the-scenes stories. Vanessa Vanjie’s partner started on Season 5, making one of her first days Coco Montrese and Alyssa Edwards’ iconic “I’m not joking, bitch!” fight. Imagine starting your job with that! She was also present during Vanjie’s Season 10 elimination, and for good luck, she mic’d Vanjie every episode of Season 11. Adorable!
We also find out that Sasha Colby was apparently just out here recruiting crew members as part of her drag family, as one guy reveals she bestowed upon him the Colby name. Speaking of Season 15, another guy says he just started working on the show then, but that he’s gotten incredibly wrapped up in it since he began. And though the ultimate presentations of the queens are a bit of a nothingburger—can’t we give out some Beautiful Benefactress Badges or something here?—it’s overall a very cute segment.
After it’s over, the queens begin to prepare for the Slay It Forward talent show. Once again, winning it gives the victors three badges, which is hilarious. Perhaps the most despised twist since All Stars 3’s jury, the three-Legendary Legend Star reward for winning the talent show in All Stars 7 was a major part of that season’s endgame being terrible. At least we’re not surprised by the twist this time, but it is nonetheless game-breaking and threatens to make most of the season useless. At least Roxxxy Andrews is safe with her five badges … or so you’d think.
The bulk of this episode, and I use the term “episode” very loosely, is Tic Tac chats with the queens. Michelle Visage doesn’t join for these, which makes them more like the Logo seasons’ final sit-downs. You can get a sense of who Ru is really invested in, be it in helping Vanjie shape what her arc this season has been (a queen who’s matured since her last appearance, and the first Porkchop to potentially win it all) or inquiring about Angeria Paris VanMicheals’ acting representation in LA. No shade to Nina West, but it’s a bit awkward to see her push so hard to create a moment with Ru only for Ru to give her much less attention and investment than she does to Vanjie and Angie.
Gottmik’s chat, like in Season 13, is once again one of the most interesting ones of the lot. Her relationship with Ru comes off much more like peers than mother and daughter, and they end on a hug (like they did in their werk room chat a few weeks ago). Gottmik’s arc this season has really puzzled me: she started incredibly strong in the first quarter, but seemingly lost her way about mid-season. I don’t think it’s a confidence issue; the way she speaks to Ru projects incredible sincerity in herself and a belief in her talents. If I were to guess, I’d say the dynamics of this season didn’t keep Gottmik’s interest, and Ru’s high expectations for her meant her solid but unspectacular performances didn’t stand out. It’s not that Gottmik got worse, it’s that she just disengaged, and Ru didn’t feel a need to pull her back in.
Someone who kept her eye on the prize all season long is Roxxxy Andrews, who has a deep talk with Ru about the ways in which she’s felt abandoned in her life. This is a real full-circle moment for Roxxxy, who first opened up about being left at a bus stop by her mom in Season 5 after her iconic “Whip My Hair” lip sync. It sounds like she’s made a tremendous amount of progress in the decade since, even as further developments (including the loss of her grandmother) have challenged her. Roxxxy’s arc on Drag Race is a fascinating one, filled with both personal and competitive highs and lows. Seeing her on this season has been seeing Roxxxy fully evolved, at the height of her powers. It’s hard to imagine her losing next week.
The other emotional chat comes with Plastique Tiara, who credits Drag Race with her personal and professional growth since Season 11. I’ve said it before, but in a regular season of All Stars, I think Plastique would be the obvious winner. She’s the one who has most demonstrably evolved in her drag style and skill set since her season, and she’s dominated the challenges this season. But Roxxxy’s return has dovetailed with the themes of this season impeccably, and I think Plastique’s season-long performance will have to be her reward—even if she does make the final three.
Now we come to the most annoying development of an already annoying episode: the Double Diamond. Ts Madison appears on the RuMail screen to announce to the queens that they will vote for one of their number to receive a 2x multiplier for their final badge count. This won’t be announced until the talent show badges are given out (which means, yes, there is literally no result to come out of this episode), but there are a few queens who could get it who would effectively guarantee themselves finalist spots. It also, of course, means Roxxxy’s spot in the finale is not actually secure.
Gotta be honest: I really hate this twist. Extra badges and multipliers aren’t fun piled into the end of the season, no matter how much Ru wants to say that anyone has a chance to win. Were these distributed across the season, or even just news of them given earlier so the queens could play around the twists, this format could be engaging and unique. Like a Mario Party for Drag Race! But now, on two separate seasons, we’ve seen the potential of the format totally wasted to do last-minute gags instead.
Ugh. Bad episode. Barely even television, honestly. I’m still excited to watch the finale next week, but I can’t blame anyone who isn’t. All Stars 9 has been, against all odds, a fun, interesting, dynamic season of Drag Race. If only the show would get out of its own way and let the endgame be that fun, too.